I have become comfortably numb...

Yes, its a Pink Floyd song. But it also aptly explains my state of mind/being these days.

Up until  a few months ago, I cared...A LOT...about everyone. It bore no fruits though. Now, I've hardened, I've stopped caring, specifically about extended family and certain friends. 

It's a state I'm not accustomed to being in. Ask any of my friends, they all know I'm close to my cousins etc. I'm used to being the one everyone talks to, the one with the gossip, the one the baray/baday of the family praise for being mindful of keeping in touch, the one who remembers and wishes everyone on their birthday.

Now, I don't care, I just don't. Turns out, I was the only one making the effort to sustain those relationships anyway. It's all pretty much over now. And it brings me to tears just thinking that.

(Aside: I love when I'm in a sucky mood and my iTunes shuffles to my favorite song of all time: Iris by Goo Goo Dolls, which is what it just did :D)

It all happened because of this whole sort-of miscommunication that led to me receiving a lecture on how I should stop being so forever-ly eager to go see my cousins when no one ever wanted to come to my part of the world (who's to explain to people that NO ONE in their right mind would want to come to THIS part of the world anyway). At that point in time, I decided, aisi ki taisi, ab fack off all of you! This is what I get for being loving and caring?? Lectures on how I shouldn't care so much about seeing my family??

And since then, I've basically built a wall with a moat fully equipped with alligators/sharks/stingrays around myself (a drawbridge may or may not exist at this point). I've become absolutely hibernate as far as communicating with the fam is concerned (is that a creative way to use hibernate or just an inappropriate use of the word?) I just talk to my grandparents regularly and even that has decreased in frequency due to the amount of work school bestows on me and the whole time difference thing.

I feel that slowly I am becoming colder. I don't like it. But I can't help it either. It's just where things are headed. I mean, it does make sense, why do I have to be the one to work at all the relationships? It's a give and take thing and I'm done giving. I've pretty much had enough and now, I've taken the if you want to talk to me cool, I'll reciprocate, otherwise, screw you approach. It's not necessarily bad...probably leads to less disappointment too.

Oh well, to adjusting to this newfound numbness...