Monday, November 30, 2009

I'll remember you...

I'll remember you...
...as the first guy I knew

I'll remember you...
...as the first person I crushed on

I'll remember you...
...as the one to snap me out of my weird 3-year daze

I'll remember you...
...as the first one I was truly into

I'll remember you...
...as the one I always turn back to

I'll remember  you...
...as the one I had nothing to do with losing

I'll remember you...
...as a momentary lapse of judgement

 I'll remember you...
...all of you, forever

Friday, November 27, 2009

Eid Mubarak!! :D

I just read this somewhere and I can so relate to it.

“Our souls remain hovering in places where we once enjoyed ourselves” - Khalil Jibran (he's a genius *sigh*)

I guess it applies to Eid as well. My most favorite Eids were in Pakistan, where the entire extended family used to come over for lunch. Sleeping late on Chand raat with mehndi drying on my hands all night long, waking up at like 8 am, getting ready, the traditional visit from the neighbor aunty before 9 am, the habbar dabbar in the house (especially for Eid ul Adha because the kurbaani took place in our backyard), the ecstatic moods, the Eidi, the new clothes, the random visits by people, the kabab (a staple at everyone's house on Eid), the get-togethers, the familial encounters, the phone calls.
Most of all, I miss having 3 days off for Eid. To celebrate it in full form.

Can't believe it's been over 10 years since I've celebrated Eid this way.

Oh well, hopefully, Eid won't be too bad this time..although, I do have to go to class and I have a quiz I'm not remotely prepared for.  Wow, that's like the best Eidi ever :P

Hope yours is going better! Eid Mubarak!

One-liners

Every time I  fall for a song, I identify with or adore one specific line or part of that song. It's the part that places meaning in that song for me. It's the part I wait for every time the song starts playing.

So, I am going to start a  "One-Liner" series. I was initially thinking of compiling a list of one-liners. When I started to write the post a few days ago, I could not think of a single one-liner to off the top of my head. So, I decided to compile a list as I would listen to my favorite songs (and subsequently, my favorite parts). But that will take a lot of time. So I've decided to do a series thing. Every time I'll come across one my favorites, I'll post it.

One-liner # 1 is Iris by Goo Goo Dolls (my favorite song of all time as mentioned here):

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

It speaks volumes to me. The first part is just worded so beautifully. That's why I like it. But the italicized part is awesome. "You bleed just to know you're alive" It well-represents the monotony and stagnancy of life sometimes, the fake-ness of it all, the artificiality. It means so many different things. I'm sure everyone interprets it differently too. That's the beauty of lyrics/poetry.

To be honest though, I pretty much LOVE the lyrics of the entire song!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Atif's my most played song? Uh-oh...

My favorite song was introduced to me (formally) in January 2009. Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. I fell in love instantly..and I listened to it for hours. Whenever I get upset, I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO listen to Iris at least once, usually it's the first song I play. It was at the top of my "Top 25 Most Played" on iTunes for months.

Just out of curiosity, I checked that list today, and Tera Honay Laga Hoon (by Atif Aslam, no less) has 50 more plays than Iris. UH-OH :O

The reason, though, is because when I fell in love with Iris, I wasn't synching my nano to my iTunes (I had a new computer, hadn't loaded my old songs onto it, didn't want to lose them on my nano). When I switched over to my ipod touch a couple of months ago, I synched it. So now, the ipod plays are counted as well and when I went into Tera Honay Laga Hoon MFOD , I was listening to that song on repeat, even on the ipod. But I'm still surprised I listened to it THAT much.

Don't worry, Iris, my mission is to  restore you to your rightful place ASAP!

(EDIT: I just realized I have an acoustic version of Iris on my playlist too(it's #3 on my top 25), and if I combine the number of plays of that and original Iris, the total is much higher than the plays for Tera Honay Laga Hoon. *phew* there's hope for me still!

P.S. It's not that I hate Atif, I don't, but he is definitely NOT worthy of the top spot)

Hi, please get a life

Warning: Rant about school ahead...I am in the worst faculty on the planet! Probably in the universe!

So, let me tell you  a story. We had a final on Monday, the 14th of December, because the Prof wanted an extra class on Dec 7th(also a Monday). There was a vote, no one wanted the class, so the final got moved to the 7th. This meant that instead of ending finals on the 14th, they would be done on the 11th, which is a Friday, which means an extra weekend. So I took the weekend before the 7th off and was mentally prepared to be done on the 11th. A friend's coming from out of town exam week so I wanted to go out for lunch or something that weekend. Also, having 3 finals in a week is beneficial for me; if there is anyone who can work well under pressure, it is ME! 3 finals in one week, watch me soar!

On Monday, we are told in class that students have informed the Professor that changing the date of the final is against University policy, but we still decided to have it on the 7th. The next day we get an email saying that the final will be moved back to the 14th because it is a violation of policy and if we wanted it moved, it had to be done weeks ago and with the written consent of every student in class.

Naturally, everyone was pissed! My entire study plan went out of whack. All my other plans got screwed too, I'm working on the 12th and now I'll have to possibly change that. Can't do that lunch either. And this is the course I was hoping to do well in, I enjoy it. I can't study on  a weekend, I just can't. I don't know how I'll do good now. I'm very worried.

Anyways, point being, EVERYONE got super pissed and changed their FB statuses along the lines of "Who is the effing retard?" "Who tattled?" etc etc. People made plans based on the 11th (they're letting people who've booked tickets take the final on the 7th, provided they can show proof like a plane ticket).

I don't know who it was, really. But here's a message for them:  I know you don't have plans for the weekend, or any other time in life, and you want extra study days for other exams, again, for the reason stated above. But the rest of us, we have lives, we make plans. You miserable loser, whoever you are!(we don't know who it is, I have a suspicion, and sadly, he's a friend of mine..he either did it out of love or for grades...another post is required for this topic)

That's not even the worst part. We get an email today from the Assistant Dean saying that the people who tattled were in the right, it is against policy, it's not the Prof's fault, AND he's heard that people have "nasty Facebook statuses" against this person which is considered BULLYING (mind you, no one mentioned any names in their statuses, we don't know who it is). He said, "shame on you" to the people who had these "nasty" statuses and that if he found out who these people were he would bring disciplinary action against them. YA! I KNOW!

HOW EFFING GAY IS THAT?!?!? Am I five? Am  I in kindergarten? WTFFFFFFFFFFFF?!!!!!

Stop treating me like a child! This is a professional program, not pre-school. I have freedom of speech.And technically, I am not pointing any fingers, I don't know where to anyway.So how is it bullying? I haven't threatened anyone either.

And then (possibly) this same person goes and cries about the facebook statuses? I know most of my class needs to get laid, or convert to Islam and stop thinking about getting laid and focus their attentions elsewhere (makes a whole lot of sense why pre-marital sex is haram, not getting it makes people insane)
Then there's the faculty. Sending out an email about FACEBOOK STATUSES? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

I swear, these people have nothing to do. Then, they cry about having no money and jacking up our tuition/fees. But you already do nothing, why should I pay you more to send me emails about what I can and cannot say in my facebook status???

Anyways, the people who really need a life in this whole situation, are the tattlers. My faculty is too damn lazy to ever go and make sure the exam took place on the right day. They'd probably just find out the day of and then what will they do? Plus, I've heard there's loopholes around it. It's not set in stone. The Prof could just move it and not tell anyone. Which is what would have happened, if this-person-who-desperately-needs-to-get-a-life, would not have tattled.

Did you learn nothing in elementary? You don't tell on people! It's uncool. Oh right, you had no friends because you tattled throughout your school years so how would you know. It all makes sense now.

I also think the Assistant Dean needs to stop treating us like we're in elementary and this is something horrible that's happened on the playground to some kid. Tattler dug his/her own grave, now deal with it!

Wow, seriously! People in my class need a life! DESPERATELY! I wish they sold those somewhere, I'd gift it to them for Christmas.

*deep breath* rant over

Sunday, November 22, 2009

You

I don't know you. I've never really talked to you. I know little about you. But I like the idea of you. I like the idea of us. I want to find out if that idea has any merit. If we'd ever work. I want us to work...badly. But a part of me knows this might lead to regret and disappointment. At least now, the possibility of  us exists. If we ended up as one and it didn't work out, then I won't have anything to fall back on, nothing to hope for.

I don't hope for much; being too hopeful or having expectations leads to disappointment. I've learned this the hard way.

But this, this idea of us, this I hope for. I've been hoping for it for a few years now.

Please, hear my thoughts.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Pet Peeves

- Arab girls and their "wallah you're tooooo cuuuteeee" and other equally irritating comments. I find Arab girls, in general, silly and annoying. Their values are weird and they think very highly of themselves . I find them to be very fake, actually, I've seen them be fake nice, turn around and bitch about that very person. (Disclaimer: does not apply to all Arab girls, DUH!)

- "Awwww" girls in general...if you're being too nice, I pretty much believe you're faking it. Grow a pair and don't like everything about everyone...you don't have to, you won't be chastised for not liking something and maybe it will make you a less dense person.

-  Couples where one partner defends the other; can't stand it. I've told everyone that if I become one of those people, slap me out of it. It's cool if you're in a group and there's playful back and forth going on and you step in to defend your better half, jokingly (I still think I'd probably join in the bashing of my other half) but don't go out of your way to defend your partner, especially when you have little to do with whatever is being discussed.

- Pushovers and/or people with no opinions on matters. Voice your opinions...maybe you're thinking something no one else is.

- People driving below/at speed limit on a highway...ahead of me. I'm on the highway to blaze past everything...why are you ruining my fun?

- People who tell me what to do. I don't have a huge problem with authority, I take what my bosses say quite seriously. But people like in the MSA (Muslim Students' Association) who come up to me randomly and tell me not to pray with nail polish on cause it's wrong. What's it to you? It's between me and Allah mian. I'm just not preach-y because I don't want to be preached to either (this requires it's own post...later)

That's all I have for now, I'm sure I'll add to this list later.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Conversation with school

This song from 3 Idiots very nicely describes my feelings towards school right now. This semester is just refusing to end. Tuesday's midterm is going to blow chunks.

Saari umar hum
Mar mar kay jee leeyay
Aik pal toh ab humain
Jeenay do jeenay do

Give me some sunshine
Give me some rain
Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again

Kandhon ko kitabon kay bojh nay jhukhaya
Rishwat deyna toh khud papa nay sikhaya
99 percent marks lao gay toh phari
Warna charhi

Likh likh kar parha hatheli par
Alpha beta gamma ka chhala
Concentrated H2SO4 nay poora,
Poora bachpan jala daala
(This nerdy science reference makes this song for me!!:D)

Banchpan toh gaya
Jawani bhi gayee
Aik pal toh ab humein
Jeenay do jeenay do

Yes, school, aik pal toh mujhe jeenay do!:(

P.S. Downloaded the soundtrack of 3 Idiots last night...highly recommend it! Cannot wait to see Aamir Khan on the big screen again, I <3 him. Watching his movie on Christmas/Boxing Day has become a bit of a ritual, but Christmas break seems so bloody far away. Allah mian just let me survive (and do well) in all the upcoming (and past) midterms/finals, I've reached my breaking point.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The results of browsing when studying is just not going to happen...

I was looking at previous entries at this blog and came across something she posted (I believe she stole it from elsewhere too..so I don't know the original source):

When it comes to love, you need not to fall but rather surrender (I <3 this completely).
Surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another.

I have become comfortably numb...

Yes, its a Pink Floyd song. But it also aptly explains my state of mind/being these days.

Up until  a few months ago, I cared...A LOT...about everyone. It bore no fruits though. Now, I've hardened, I've stopped caring, specifically about extended family and certain friends. 

It's a state I'm not accustomed to being in. Ask any of my friends, they all know I'm close to my cousins etc. I'm used to being the one everyone talks to, the one with the gossip, the one the baray/baday of the family praise for being mindful of keeping in touch, the one who remembers and wishes everyone on their birthday.

Now, I don't care, I just don't. Turns out, I was the only one making the effort to sustain those relationships anyway. It's all pretty much over now. And it brings me to tears just thinking that.

(Aside: I love when I'm in a sucky mood and my iTunes shuffles to my favorite song of all time: Iris by Goo Goo Dolls, which is what it just did :D)

It all happened because of this whole sort-of miscommunication that led to me receiving a lecture on how I should stop being so forever-ly eager to go see my cousins when no one ever wanted to come to my part of the world (who's to explain to people that NO ONE in their right mind would want to come to THIS part of the world anyway). At that point in time, I decided, aisi ki taisi, ab fack off all of you! This is what I get for being loving and caring?? Lectures on how I shouldn't care so much about seeing my family??

And since then, I've basically built a wall with a moat fully equipped with alligators/sharks/stingrays around myself (a drawbridge may or may not exist at this point). I've become absolutely hibernate as far as communicating with the fam is concerned (is that a creative way to use hibernate or just an inappropriate use of the word?) I just talk to my grandparents regularly and even that has decreased in frequency due to the amount of work school bestows on me and the whole time difference thing.

I feel that slowly I am becoming colder. I don't like it. But I can't help it either. It's just where things are headed. I mean, it does make sense, why do I have to be the one to work at all the relationships? It's a give and take thing and I'm done giving. I've pretty much had enough and now, I've taken the if you want to talk to me cool, I'll reciprocate, otherwise, screw you approach. It's not necessarily bad...probably leads to less disappointment too.

Oh well, to adjusting to this newfound numbness...

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Blame Game

Why do I blame the people who fall in love for the hurt they are feeling after it's over?

Why do I not really believe in love pre-marriage? or possibly at all?

Now, my theory on the pre-marriage thing is that being muslim, we don't really get into anything physical (or aren't supposed to anyway) before marriage, and I have this firm belief that love can't blossom till the touching commences. I'm not sure where I came up with this theory, having never really loved and definitely never touched. But that is my belief.

Also, love has a LOT to do with living together, or travelling together. It's bearing the little things, like not screwing the cap back on the tube of toothpaste or leaving dirty socks lying around, that make the love stronger. These are the things that you miss when its all over.

Maybe I must love to figure this all out,  but I keep myself closed off too much to get into any situation like that. Maybe that's why I blame the people who fall in love for getting hurt because I never let myself do so, so how come they let themselves? Then it's their own fault. I know it's not an ideal or realistic way to think of things and clearly, not a belief that comes from experience.

Another thing I've realized about myself is that once I respect someone, I can pretty much do anything for them. I will treat you differently once the respect has set in. I am now wondering if I am confusing respect and love.

But for now, this is the conclusion I have come to: just don't let yourself fall in love until there is an actual commitment in the works or on the horizon or has actually taken place, be it a baat pakki, an engagement, a nikah, whatever. Judge people on compatibility because the love will eventually come anyway. As long as there is an underlying trust and respect, the love is inevitable.

Just because I am speaking to friends about Khalil Jibran's "Love" at the moment, here's a few verses I like:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

The juxtaposition is brilliant and extremely true! What speaks to me is the hurt aspect of it: the pinions in the wings, the voice that will shatter dreams and the pruning. Nevertheless, an excellent representation of this confusing and complicated thing we call love!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Everybody's got a story that can break your heart

I heard this song years ago and the lyrics just always stuck. It's by Amanda Marshall (I had to google that)

When I'm in a bad place and hear people's stories that seem worse or more challenging or heartwrenching than my current situation, or they have to do with things I never imagined those people to be going through, these are the lyrics that play in my head.

It also helps put into perspective that you're not the only one with problems and is somewhat humbling and comforting at the same time to know that just because your life is difficult to deal with, other people's isn't peachy either. We're all in this thing called life together. We're all going through it and dealing with it. It doesn't take the same course for any of us but it does guarantee that there will be hurdles for all of us. These hurdles, when discussed with other people, may not seem as big a deal to them as they are to you but they're causing you pain or discomfort, so they are a big deal for you.

People always say, you think you have problems, what about the kids in Africa or wherever, who're starving and such. Before, I used to feel like ya, that's true, I do have it better than most people. Now, after someone explained it to me, I've realized that Allah has different tests for everyone. The test for those kids is how to deal with the hunger and provide for their family. My test would be completely different from that but equally as challenging for me. It's always said that Allah mian doesn't put you through anything He doesn't believe you can survive. It's how you handle that situation is what the test is.

I hope we all have the strength to survive all these tests and situations to the best of our abilities.

Monday, November 9, 2009

T - 7 hours

My room's a mess, the song playing on iTunes is "hum toh bhaee jaisay hain" from Veer Zaara, which seems to aptly predict that my room will remain a mess till I get back.

I just hope my mother doesn't try to clean up whilst I am away. Wednesday's a national holiday and if she's bored, my room's in trouble and I have a very organized mess that only I can sort through.

Sometimes a mother trying to fix things is exactly what the doctor did NOT order. I hope she's busy on Wednesday.

But I should try and at least clean it up a little bit before I sleep.

Weird

I'm in such a weird place right now...and I'm not sure why.

Other than the usual "I hate school", "when will this degree from hell end" and "why did I ever think applying to this faculty was a good idea," I'm not sure what is really wrong with me.

I'm just bored or annoyed or tired. I'm not sure.

Maybe it's cause I've been replaced...but I only figured that out today...so why was I piss-y yesterday?

So many questions, the answers should come from within, but I can't find them.

Maybe my trip this week will help clear things up. It kinda did last time, but not really. Trips have always been hard for me. I love escaping away from this city but then a) I don't want to come back and b) when I do come back, I'm all out of place, mentally.

At least, right now I know life's a bitch and school sucks and everything is just plain old boring and annoying, but when I come back, I'll have had a taste of something different that I'll actually like and then this place will be even more boring, sucky and annoying. And re-adjusting to this mess will take time. And I have a HUGE midterm next week that I don't really have time to re-adjust. And I'm also not the kind of person that just closes off emotionally to study and such. I need to be in the right mindset to focus on school.

This week will not be the best despite the escape and I can just feel it.

I want to see either the MJ movie or Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani when I'm away. I just want to see MJ cause everyone else is and it's a limited opportunity, I really don't have much emotional attachment to him or his music. But Ajab Prem I actually am looking forward to. I saw Wake up Sid recently, and fell for Ranbir. He is exactly the kind of desi boy I'd be into, physically. Tall, lanky but not, not too hairy but not a hairless mole rat either. Just perfect.

Anyways, I should go sleep. School in the morning *sigh*

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Thank you Meera

For entertaining the masses, providing comic relief to stressed out students and generally being yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ClBM2HHG5M

I've enjoyed watching your recent shenanigans. They do help keep me sane while doing all this studying and stuff. They also help the people of Pakistan escape from their fear-ridden, unpredictable lives into your hilarious existence.

P.S. Tapu Javeri's attempt at controlling his laughter, while texting someone, undoubtedly, about Meera's shenanigans was entertaining. In the end, he did give up though..and even tried to correct the poor woman. She just can't be helped. Bechari

V.

"Remember, remember
The fifth of November"

Today is Guy Fawke's Day. Personally, I have no attachments to this day nor did I know what it was about until a couple of years ago (I'm still not really sure).
But my fascination with this day and that rhyme comes from the movie V for Vendetta. One of my favorites.
When will I have time to go re-watch movies I love?

All this school stuff needs to end soon!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Wish upon a falling star

I still wish things had gone in a different direction...not sure if it would have been better or worse for me, but at least, it would have been different. I need change, this monotony is killing me.

I also wish Allah mian will make everything alright and everything that is happening is for the best. In the end, things will iA work out in my favour and the way I want them to. Maybe if I tell myself that enough, it will actually happen. Like SRK said in Om Shanti Om repeatedly (don't ask me why I'm quoting this), "kehtay hain agar kissi cheez ko dil say chaho toh saari kayinaat ussay tumsay milanay ki koshish main lag jaati hai" or in other words, If you want it badly enough, the universe will make it happen.

I wish, wish upon a falling star!